Dealing with grief at Christmas

Key takeaways for dealing with grief at Christmas

The holiday season is filled with triggers that remind us who and what is missing this year, so be kind to yourself and those you care for while dealing with grief at Christmas
There are many different things we can lose including a loved one, a lifestyle, long-standing traditions, a pet, so be gentle with those around you as they grieve
There are lovely ways to talk about, honour and include your person in your rituals and gatherings
We all grieve differently. It’s important we’re allowed to do it our own way.

At this time of year we’re told to be jolly and grateful for all the blessings in our lives. And we are, mostly. But there are lots of us who are dealing with grief at Christmas by just trying to get through another season that reminds us of who isn’t with us. And for carers, it can be a reminder that the way we used to celebrate Christmas together has changed dramatically.

We don’t only grieve the physical loss of a loved one; we grieve the loss of our plans and dreams for the future, or of the way things were, particularly if our parents or partners have had to change their living arrangements. We might also have to watch those we love and care for dealing with their grief at Christmas as they reflect on how their life has changed.

You may feel the pain of losing long-standing family traditions, and freedoms, such as the ability to host Christmas events in the family home etc.

Whether you are grieving the loss of a loved one, a pet, a Christmas tradition, access to someone you love or watching your person grieve their own losses, here are some tips to help you and those you care for through this Christmas.

Firstly, remember that grief can be multi-dimensional with so many different emotions attached to it, so it’s important to give your loved one and yourself permission to experience them all. There is no right nor wrong way of dealing with grief at Christmas; we all do it differently.

**Put you first**

Don’t try to meet others’ expectations while you’re dealing with grief at Christmas. Give yourself permission to skip it altogether if you need to, or the parts of it that hurt too much. Don’t feel pressured to go to events that remind you and everyone else of their loss. If the party vibe feels overwhelming, have quiet but meaningful moments together being grateful for what you do have.

If you sense that it’s going to be a tough time, think about making an appointment with your doctor or a counsellor or visiting an online Grief Support Service to meet up with others who are grieving, or other carers who are trying to cope just like you.

How to tweak Christmas rituals to suit you

You can tweak your events a little or create new traditions to help everyone adapt to the fact that someone/something is missing. It’s important to include your person into your services and celebrations. Here are some ideas:

Put a gift under the tree for them
Light a candle that is just for them
Play their favourite songs or movies they loved to watch
Have videos or a photo slideshow of them playing in the background
Put up a Christmas stocking with their name on it
Buy a special ornament for the Christmas tree
Bake or cook their favourite dish (the aromas will bring back great memories)
Add a special ceremony to honour the person, for example, have a moment’s silence before eating, make a toast to them or have everyone present say one thing they loved and one thing that frustrated them about the person
Set a place at the table if that feels good
Tinsel up their grave, niche or the place where you go to remember them.

Being there for those who are dealing with grief at Christmas

Once you have put things in place for yourself, think of some ways to help those you care for to get through. It’s important to let them talk about how things were and how they feel about how things have changed.

You can also help them by asking them what might bring them joy (it might be Christmas lights or photos of all the family strung on a line above their bed), or hanging a Christmas stocking, or family and friends doing their own private Christmas carolling around the person’s bed. There are many ways to help them remember the joyous aspects of their past Christmases and weave them into their current circumstances.

You can support another who’s dealing with the grief of Christmas by sending them a card that says, ‘Thinking of you’; or invite them to your family’s celebrations, or invite them out on a different day. If you find photos of their loved one, send a copy saying ‘I thought you might like to have this’. Acknowledging their grief and sense of loss in kind ways is important.